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The Almighty Dollar...
by dixietman

So, you thought all you had to do was teach? I am a veteran teacher of 26 years in the Mississippi public schools. During my tenure as math teacher and coach, I have been involved in numerous "situations" that do not pertain to the communication of thoughts, ideas, or concepts at all! One such incident occured this past school year.

My "planning" period was scheduled during the third hour of the day, and immediately after our morning break. One day during the month of February, as I was busily "planning"(think I was on tnet!*grin*),one of our female English teachers stuck her head in my door and said "Coach, can you come help me for a minute?" Her room was just down the hall from mine and she explained that she had been out of her room for a minute because she was the yearbook sponsor and now there was some problem with a student. I said "Sure" and followed her down to her room. I walk in the room and all her students are gathered up in a wad! It looks like some student has six toes or something and everybody wants to get a look! I say in my most authoritative voice,"What's goin on in here?" Well..as the Red Sea parted, so did the mass of students and lo and behold, there's Eugene down on his hands and knees with his head stuck up under the desk! All the students are just hootin and snickerin as I walk up to Eugene and say "What ye doin Eugene? tryin to see how the seat is put on that desk?" He had stuck his head between the wire basket on the bottom of the desk and the seat of the desk....from the front!! I said "Dang Eugene! What do you mean boy?" He said "Aww coach, Vesper bet me a dollar I couldn't do it!" The opening was just big enough for him to turn his head sideways and with a little force push his head on in. Trouble was that once in, the prongs on the ends of the wire basket would dig in and keep him from sliding it out without losing an ear or something!! Now believe it or not, Eugene was a SENIOR!! The English teacher had tried several times to get him out...they had pulled on his feet, she had greased his head with vaseline, they had stood him up holding the chair and turned it every which way, all to no avail!

Well..after my suggestions of cuttin off his head and gettin a blowtorch to cut off the basket were turned down, I had a student stand on the basket corners while I grabbed the front of the seat and pulled up. We managed to get just enough of an opening for Eugene to remove his head! Shortly thereafter, Eugene collected his dollar! Next day ol Eugene had a bruise from under his left ear to the tip of his chin!! I told him that no matter what happened in his life, he would always be a great chair inspector!!

Ahh..the life of a school teacher! *smile*


Patriotism For The Weak...
With the fourth of July weekend coming up, one country school teacher saw an opportunity to tell the class about patriotism:

"We live in a great country.. .In this country, we are all free."

One child stood up: "I'm not free; I'm four."


Teachers.Net Humor Chatboard...
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HUMOR FROM THE CLASSROOM...
Here at Teachers.Net we realize that laughter is the best medicine, and we've got your prescription filled! Visit our Classroom Humor Chatboard and combat classroom stress by enjoying the smiles that make teaching so rewarding.
TOP TEN UPDATED TV SHOWS
by YENDOR (yendor@teachers.net)

10. LEAVE IT TO BEAVER--Theodore goes into counseling after years of being called "BEAVER."

 9. ADVENTURES OF OZZIE AND HARRIET--It’s discovered that Ozzie really has no job and the whole family is on welfare.

 8. THE REAL McCOY’S--Luke and Kate find a homeless old man and let him live with them. They call him "Grandpa."

 7. THE A TEAM--A group of men go around the country finding kids who make all a’s and teach them how to fire machine guns.

 6. THE BRADY BUNCH--Jan has enough of Marsha. Final episode with Marsha.

 5. GILLIGAN’S ISLAND--Gilligan is voted off the island. He drowns while trying to swim to America.

 4. GOMER PYLE, U.S.M.C.--Sgt. Carter is ordered to talk "nice" to Gomer to raise his self-esteem.

 3. LASSIE--A brilliant collie enrolls in high school and becomes the valedictorian. Unfortunately no one can understand Lassie’s graduation speech.

 2. DONNA REED SHOW--Donna divorces her husband and runs off with the vacumn cleaner salesman.

 1. THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW--Opie is tested for hyperactivity and becomes hooked on a strong prescription drug.


OPEN BEFORE USING
by Goose/TX (goose@teachers.net)

During the last week of school, one of the students presented an excuse which I had never before heard in my 27 years of teaching: "Nobody told me not to." I can't imagine a person surviving very long with the philosophy that if he is not told to not do something, then it's all right to proceed.

After additionally considering the situation, the thought came to me that the ridiculous warning labels which are placed on products are a necessity for this type of person. An appropriate example of a warning for this type of person can be found on certain boxes of nails: "CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation!" Obviously, this warning was made especially for those folks who need to be told what not to do. Upon reading more warning labels, I discovered that there is also a stroller on the market with the warning, "Remove child before folding." However, the warning did not explain what not to do. I fear that the "Nobody told me not to's" may attempt to fold the stroller with the child still strapped in.

Recently, I heard an add on the radio which was promoting a contest in which a person must remove the label from a product to determine if he had won a prize. At the end of the commercial, the statement was made: "No purchase necessary." I wonder if the "Nobody told me not to's" will walk into the establishment and demand the product without paying for it. I might try that little stunt myself just to discover what response I'll receive. Better yet, I should try what one curious person did: Go into a burger establishment and order a cheeseburger without cheese.

I found that certain cans of spray-on-cheese have labels stating that the lid must be opened before the product could be properly used. Not long after reading that label, I took a restroom break. I actually didn't need to rest, but as I began to take care of my business, a thought entered my mind. I wondered if new toilets came with the following warning on them: "Toilet lid must be raised to be properly used." Or in the case of the "Nobody told me not to's": "Do not attempt to use the toilet before opening the lid." Perhaps for those same people, this newspaper needs to have a label which warns: "Do not attempt to read this paper before carefully removing the rubber band and unrolling."


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